Amazing Article

– this is an old post I never published. It’s funny that I find it now, as it is sooooo “right on time” right now. It’s not about us anymore, it’s about our child. Aaaaand, since Phineas is (so far) a boy, this article is really going to be something we will refer to a lot I guess. But read on… –

The original post is from November 10th 2009:

So, as we are moving ahead with the preparations on becoming (queer, pagan, not-so-young-anymore, nanny-experienced, bilingual, conscious, loving, excited and sometimes scared-of-the-new-responsibility-but-very-eager-to-take-it-on) parents, we are wondering about sooo many things.

As you know, this blog is partly about my journey in trying to find out what kind of parent/mommy/daddy/fairy/pop I feel most comfortable with. Now, while in the midst of my own gender journey, I suddenly realize that very very soon, things will not so much be about me so much anymore.

It’s all going to be about my child.

And while my last post was all about how it does not matter what sex our child will be assigned to at birth, we both found ourselves thinking more and more how to raise girls in this world and how to raise boys in this world.

This – of course – does not discount the fact that girls can be boys and boys can be girls or everybody can be something else altogether, but this post is not about gender-ambiguity, diversity or freedom to choose.

This post is an homage (and a highly recommended link) to an article my wife came across this morning.

As she is pagan, she is trying to figure out how to incorporate the old ways of the goddess more into our lives and into the life of our little witch-let to come. She found a beautiful article on a modern robin hood blog, which talks about how she raises her son in the eyes of modern age, masculinity, feminism, respect and the old religion. She talks about chivalry and feminism and is trying to give her son the sacred masculinity, which is beyond patriarchy (denying male emotion) and new-age-sensitivity (denying male power).

Relating this article not only to my potential son (or masculine daughter), but also to my own masculinity I have shed tears this morning when I read it and I want to share it with y’all:

http://blog-in-the-box.blogspot.com/2005/09/raising-pagan-sons.html

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Just a short reference-post to keep myself accountable ;)

I definitely want to write about the “What we feel”, the “How it is” and the “Why we are so behind posting”, and I do not want to forget my main original goal for starting to write which is the following list of questions:

1. How do we define our families?
2. Will I be – just because I am not necessarily all the way female – the breadwinning dad?
3. Will the fact that my partner is femme and I am boi define our roles in parenting?
4. Why didn’t I get pregnant?
5. Will I miss out on my life-experience if my partner is the mama?
6. What role other than the supporter do I play in all this?
7. Is this something that all fathers go through or does the fact that my body could carry a child make it harder?

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Identity

A couple years ago, when asked “How do you identify” I didn’t know what to answer other than “I am me” and I felt the attempt to find words for this “me” would not justify what “me” really is. I painfully remember the night long discussions, even arguments about “me”, about identity and about “who i think i am”. I remember resisting any kind of identification and I did not know why. It just did not feel… right!

And still – over the last years I created a pretty clear identity for myself, a construct which – admittedly – defies a lot of general beliefs and “should-have’s” or “should-be’s”. But after all, it is still a construct.

I am because I am a queer, multi spirited, big hearted, sometimes angry and always animal loving social rebel and artist from Germany?
Is that really true? Well, true is that I AM all that, but that it certainly does not enhance my being just because I am all that….

No! But why isn’t it true?

I also remember that over the years I have been asking my partner what she really loves in me. And I strangely was never quite satisfied with all her wonderful reasons… I kept asking for the essence, and YES I asked for the essence… isn’t that surprising?

Today I finally found out why this never quite felt right. I am reading “A New Earth” and I am having little sparks exploding in my chest every three minutes. The way he is explaining the question of identity and “being” versus “attaching a mind-form to your sense of self” is phenomenal.

And I am in awe for my essense, my being, which had always wanted to “get out there” despite my ignorance of its existence and my hard fight to cover it up with all kinds of constructed ideas…

And now of course I am sitting here, asking myself, whether it is my ego who feels superior because I can say of myself “I always knew” or whether I am just humble and in awe for the ways of my soul. Hehe, probably a little bit of both… but I will stay open!

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