Yesterday I started crying when I heard my partner say (on the phone to a midwife): “This is my first child!”. I guess it’s still somewhat unbelievable! So profound the difference of saying “We’re going to have a baby.” and “We’re going to have a child.”
~ Don’t you think?
Our friend (and new mother) sent us a subscription for a baby’s magazine. We had two issues in the mailbox today; one addressed to my partner and one to me. I really liked that thoughtfulness – after all, we’re both expecting, right? And the cutest thing was: It was addressed to “Phoenix Dandy Lion”.
Although I must admit I didn’t get a lot out of the magazine (90% ads and coupons) it did inspire me to start some kind of a baby book. That’s fun. It serves as journal, scrapbook, container of thoughts and snippets, photographs and everything we are coming across on this journey.
Kinda like this blog – just more personal and somewhat more practical (I use it to keep all our fantastic name ideas, things we want to accomplish BEFORE the big day and stuff like that.)
My partner was in the kitchen and all of a sudden she stopped doing what she was doing. “I am going to be a Mom” she said, completely out of context… it hit me. “I am going to be a fill-in-a-word-that-suits-a-queerio-like-me-most ” I said. And we both smiled – in our own thoughts. It was a powerful and beautiful moment.
… please comment on the posts if you have anything to add. I’d love to compile experiences here so go ahead and share! I’d really appreciate hearing y’alls stories as well! To leave a comment: Click on the post title and post your comment! :)
I just got the most amazing response to this blog from a friend. She read it, saw the concerns I am expressing and wrote me a really really long, encouraging, funny, sweet, beautiful letter about the (her) experience of being responsible for little people. And loving them. And holding them. And holding yourself in the process. You know who you are (hehe) and I really really appreciate these words. You rock, Albana!
My tip for everybody who is going through a time of worry and concern: Speak about it, shout it out, just get it on the table. The fear (as big as it is before you open your mouth) dissapates (is that a word?) as soon as you see the understanding, compassion and holding in the pther people’s eyes (or words).
THANK YOU!
Humbly, gratefully y’alls!
I think I finally have a name for the itty-bitty person in my lady’s womb: I will call it the baby chick… My wife told me last week that she had a dream about the fetus being a little baby chicken in her hand, clawing itself so strongly around her finger that it almost hurt. Soon after it turned into a bug and flew away.
Call me crazy, but to me it means that our baby is extremely strong and will be able to hold on no matter what (considering that she had had this dream in times of hard core emotional distress….). The bug story might mean that we should be willing to let him/her go when he/she decides that it is time for his/her transformation…
Well… anyway. Baby chick!
Searching for the right midwife is as personal a process as searching for the right therapist or the right partner for that matter. Theoretically it seems extremely hard to do, theoretically I can’t help but feel: “How will she/we ever find the one right person to hold her/us through this experience?”
Honestly after my experience with my therapist (who – I still believe – just plopped into my life because she was meant to be) I believe that there is not a question of searching, but of finding.
I believe that we can not find the right person by asking the right questions (and this is not to say that asking some relevant, medical, procedural questions and feeling safe with the answers you’re getting isn’t extremely important) but by letting our heart connect.
It is the most beautiful task I can think of if you take the focus away from “interviewing a service provider” to truly finding the heart connection who can hold your partner, the baby and you through this life-changing experience.
We haven’t come to a decision yet and that is probably okay. The process itself is so worth it because I am writing this in a state of complete bliss: Right now we are sitting in a San Francisco cafe on a rainy Saturday afternoon both crying and laughing, because we have just been reading a birth story including a baby dragon, sixty-six hours of labor, guitar music and a sexual abuse survivor who has claimed her birth experience her ultimate healing experience. I am ready (and 6 more months to go…)!
I am so proud that my wife is pregnant! Really proud! Yaaay! (Jump for joy)
When we first found out I literally danced her around the room and grew 2-3 inches in the sky. Wow – what a feeling! I bet she was proud as hell too. We’re just super happy that this is happening and that we are blessed with good fertility and a wonderful donor who has made things so much easier, funner (and queerer). The funny thing is that I always feel like although we will have one baby and although we have chosen this together, this blessing seems to come in two different packages:
One for the mommy and one for me …and i am completely confused: When we tell people that “we are pregnant”, my wife gets the “awwwwwwwwwwwwwww that is so beautiful, so cute, I am soooooooooooooo happy for you” treatment and i get the “well done, man, are you ready yet, hehe” treatment.
Mostly. Not always. But mostly. Most people. Not all of them. But most. You “not alls” know who you are and my gratitude goes out to you!
With the full awareness of sounding naive I am asking: Why? I do not understand! Let me give you a few ideas why this division simply feels wrong to me:
1) Hasn’t my wife be the one who “did well” too? I mean, after all, her hormones and her body and her genetics made the baby, right?
2) Isn’t it also (awwwwwww) so beautiful for me? Do you think that just because I don’t feel it pulling and tweaking in my uterus that I am not in joy and waiting for the baby to be cuddled into my bosom?
The treatment in two packages is an un-equal treatment which I too well understand given the fact that we all were brought up and most still think hetero-normatively and the way we present ourselves to the world as a couple. But I really would like to see this transformed. It all comes down to the same thing… I want to be mom AND dad without having to give up my gender. I want to be able to flow through the roles without having to conform in my own identity. And I am fully aware that I have to ask this from myself as well as from the world and from my wife.
“Don’t worry – you’re gonna fuck something up, we all do!”