Identity

A couple years ago, when asked “How do you identify” I didn’t know what to answer other than “I am me” and I felt the attempt to find words for this “me” would not justify what “me” really is. I painfully remember the night long discussions, even arguments about “me”, about identity and about “who i think i am”. I remember resisting any kind of identification and I did not know why. It just did not feel… right!

And still – over the last years I created a pretty clear identity for myself, a construct which – admittedly – defies a lot of general beliefs and “should-have’s” or “should-be’s”. But after all, it is still a construct.

I am because I am a queer, multi spirited, big hearted, sometimes angry and always animal loving social rebel and artist from Germany?
Is that really true? Well, true is that I AM all that, but that it certainly does not enhance my being just because I am all that….

No! But why isn’t it true?

I also remember that over the years I have been asking my partner what she really loves in me. And I strangely was never quite satisfied with all her wonderful reasons… I kept asking for the essence, and YES I asked for the essence… isn’t that surprising?

Today I finally found out why this never quite felt right. I am reading “A New Earth” and I am having little sparks exploding in my chest every three minutes. The way he is explaining the question of identity and “being” versus “attaching a mind-form to your sense of self” is phenomenal.

And I am in awe for my essense, my being, which had always wanted to “get out there” despite my ignorance of its existence and my hard fight to cover it up with all kinds of constructed ideas…

And now of course I am sitting here, asking myself, whether it is my ego who feels superior because I can say of myself “I always knew” or whether I am just humble and in awe for the ways of my soul. Hehe, probably a little bit of both… but I will stay open!

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