… working until 2am on design projects just because we have too much on our plate to get work done during the day hours. bleh! is that my getting used to it?
I am amazed at how more “feminine” my partner has become. It is almost like she’s melting into a smoothness and a warmness and a wideness that you only hear from. It’s pretty interesting. Of course there’s also the wild mother’s and protectress fierceness that one would expect, but I would have never thought that my wife – madam fierce and ferocious – who has such a hard time letting others take care of (daily) chores let alone allow her partner to hold her when she is feeling down, will actually break down in front of me begging me to stay with her and telling me how much she needs me and how little she is capable of.
Is this really happening? Man…. who would have ever thought that I get to be butch..? Hehe.
But seriously… I’ve never been much of a butch in the chivalrous hold-lady-in-your-arms or help-her-in-the-coat kind of way. And with a pregnant woman on my side I am automatically feeling the urge in me to protect my lady, hold her in any way I can and even open her car door.
Energies shift in a profound kind of way. I would be very interested how it would shift if the baby grew in my belly…
So as almost every serious project I have ever started, this blog has been neglected for a while due to obvious reasons – the same reasons for which I started this blog in the first place: We are having a baby! Hehe.
The past few weeks (=2 months) have been insane in the “becoming parents and changing your attitude towards life” department. I want to list a few lessons I have learned…. hang in there for the “lessons of the day”
… she is worrying about our baby so much. Her worries are storms of fear and her panic is a wave of anger that the little one has to endure. Who knows how I would react if I was pregnant… but it makes me sad.
Ha! Although this is the first question we get ALL the time wherever we are, I managed to NOT post about this until now. I managed to wait 5 months to talk about my baby’s sex!
The long answer to “Is it a boy or a girl” is:
I find it very very interesting (if not even slightly disturbing) how important this little piece of information of what is between the baby’s legs or how their chromosomes/hormones are set up is to most people we talk to. And especially living in a community where gender is so clearly identified as something separate from somebody’s sex, I find it even more interesting how even we tend to ask this question first: Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl? No, we don’t! And you know… how can I even tell? I have been going through life learning that what I (and many others) have been assigned to at birth is not necessarily the gender I identify with, so how would I even know if it’s a boy or a girl?
And yet – I know that even I am prone to putting identifying and role-defining traits onto this little creature without even knowing him/her/them yet. Isn’t that fun? We spend so many years trying to find ourselves in this mysterious and sometimes threatening world of gender polarity and binary thinking and then…. when a little one comes into our lives, we are asking ourselves: Boy or Girl? Boy or Girl? Boy or Girl?
As if I hadn’t asked myself that questions already way too many times.
In whatever form my child enters our world, they will be loved, welcomed, honored, acknowledged and free to choose from life what makes their heart full and warm.
The short answer to “Is it a boy or a girl” is: Yes.
Yesterday I started crying when I heard my partner say (on the phone to a midwife): “This is my first child!”. I guess it’s still somewhat unbelievable! So profound the difference of saying “We’re going to have a baby.” and “We’re going to have a child.”
~ Don’t you think?
Our friend (and new mother) sent us a subscription for a baby’s magazine. We had two issues in the mailbox today; one addressed to my partner and one to me. I really liked that thoughtfulness – after all, we’re both expecting, right? And the cutest thing was: It was addressed to “Phoenix Dandy Lion”.
Although I must admit I didn’t get a lot out of the magazine (90% ads and coupons) it did inspire me to start some kind of a baby book. That’s fun. It serves as journal, scrapbook, container of thoughts and snippets, photographs and everything we are coming across on this journey.
Kinda like this blog – just more personal and somewhat more practical (I use it to keep all our fantastic name ideas, things we want to accomplish BEFORE the big day and stuff like that.)
My partner was in the kitchen and all of a sudden she stopped doing what she was doing. “I am going to be a Mom” she said, completely out of context… it hit me. “I am going to be a fill-in-a-word-that-suits-a-queerio-like-me-most ” I said. And we both smiled – in our own thoughts. It was a powerful and beautiful moment.
… please comment on the posts if you have anything to add. I’d love to compile experiences here so go ahead and share! I’d really appreciate hearing y’alls stories as well! To leave a comment: Click on the post title and post your comment! :)
I just got the most amazing response to this blog from a friend. She read it, saw the concerns I am expressing and wrote me a really really long, encouraging, funny, sweet, beautiful letter about the (her) experience of being responsible for little people. And loving them. And holding them. And holding yourself in the process. You know who you are (hehe) and I really really appreciate these words. You rock, Albana!
My tip for everybody who is going through a time of worry and concern: Speak about it, shout it out, just get it on the table. The fear (as big as it is before you open your mouth) dissapates (is that a word?) as soon as you see the understanding, compassion and holding in the pther people’s eyes (or words).
THANK YOU!
Humbly, gratefully y’alls!